Devon: God, it feels like a lifetime since I’ve done this
Sawyer: Done what?
Devon: Texted you
Sawyer: What the hell are ye talking about? I talked to ye ten seconds ago
Devon: Ah, but I didn’t text you
Devon: I yelled at you from across the room
Sawyer: Ye did
Sawyer: I’m still in the same room
Sawyer: So, why aren’t ye yelling at me now?
Devon: Dunno.
Devon: Thought I’d text you
Sawyer: The question is why am I texting yer back?
Sascha: Dinner’s ready
Sawyer: Yer over the other side of the room!
Sascha: Saw Devon texting you lol
Sascha: Thought I’d join in
Sawyer: God help me
Sean: Why are we using this text thread again?
Kurt: I hate texting
Sascha: I like it
Sascha: You don’t text the kids enough
Kurt: I email them
Sascha: That’s not what they want though, is it?
Devon: I text them every day
Sascha: Yes, I know. Jack told me yesterday you wouldn’t stop texting him until he replied
Devon: Well, what’s the point of instant messaging if it isn’t instant?
Andrei: Jesus, what if he was on the toilet?
Devon: All the more reason to be instant
Sascha: By the sounds of it, he was busy in the bedroom
Devon: Lazy boy. Always sleeping
Sean: Hardly! He’s always training is what he is
Devon: Not at this time of the year. He’s in bed. He can text me back.
Sascha: I didn’t mean he was taking a nap, Devon!
Andrei: He takes after you, Devon lol
Devon: Well, I didn’t like to say anything but…
Sawyer: I think he’s more like Kurt
Sawyer: Kurt can barely do algebra either
Andrei: That’s not fair. He’s the writer lol. We’re the math brains
Devon: I taught Jack algebra
Sascha: No, you taught him university-grade higher math, Devon.
Sascha: He came to me and asked if he really needed it for year 6!
Sascha: That was the day I took over their homework with Sean’s help
Devon: Huh. I wondered why he stopped asking me questions
Sascha: Years too late now. Why didn’t you ask nearer the time?
Devon: I’ve never pushed our children to do anything, Sascha
Sean: He has a point, love. I think he’d be okay if they were all beach bums
Devon: Gah, we have enough money to look after their great-grandchildren and life is VERY short
Kurt: Thankfully, they’re upstanding members of society
Sascha: Unlike us lol
Sean: I like our position in society. Means people leave us alone.
Sean: Don’t suppose you’ve failed to notice how busy our social life has become since Tin moved to Veronia?
Sascha: No. I don’t like it either
Kurt: At least it’s his fault this time
Sascha: Yes, I’m still annoyed about that Oscar
Sascha: I mean, darling, I’m beyond proud of you. I always am, you know that. But God, I missed your grandfather, Andrei, when that reporter wouldn’t leave me alone after the ceremony
Andrei: Yes, having an in with the Bratva did come in useful sometimes lol
Andrei: You never said
Sascha: About what?
Devon: The reporter
Sascha: I did
Sascha: Several times a day
Sascha: Until Sean put the cops on them
Sascha: *sniffs* He’s the only one I can rely on to LISTEN
Sean: It did take a few weeks of ‘listening,’ darling. Sorry about that <3
Sawyer: Feckin’ suck up
Sean: Shove it
Sawyer: Why are we still texting? We’re literally all in the kitchen
Devon: It isn’t the kitchen. It’s my office
Sawyer: Your office is wherever Sascha is lol
Sascha: Yes, he’s like my little stalker, aren’t you, darling?
Devon: I wouldn’t classify myself as little, Sascha
Sascha: You’re okay with being my stalker though, hmm?
Devon: I’d prefer shadow
Sean: Because that isn’t more intrusive
Andrei: I found him in the laundry room yesterday
Sawyer: In the dark
Sascha: Yes, I must check on you when I switch between rooms.
Andrei: You failed as a shadow yesterday, Devon
Devon: What can I say? I was pondering
Sawyer: Looked like you were taking a nap to me (like father, like son)
Devon: I was resting my eyes
Kurt: Isn’t that the same thing?
Devon: No! I was PONDERING
Devon: Do you even know what that means?
Kurt: I think I have a good handle on the English language, Devon
Devon: You’ve gotten ever so smug since that gold award, Kurt
Sascha: Well, it was a big deal.
Devon: Yes, but the smugness about speaking English as a second language is entirely unnecessary. I’ve always thought he speaks better English than Andrei
Andrei: Since when was I the measure?
Sascha: Andrei speaks English perfectly
Devon: Yes, but he didn’t get a man award, did he?
Andrei: No, just a Nobel Prize.
Kurt: Is dinner actually ready? We can discuss this verbally
Devon: No, I don’t want dinner tonight
Sascha: Why not?
Devon: I saw what you put in it
Sascha: Charming!
Sawyer: I’ll have his portion. I saw it too. Looks feckin’ delicious
Sascha: What’s wrong with it, Devon? It’s only pasta
Devon: You put anchovies in
Sawyer: Makes it authentic
Devon: How is it authentic to put fish in a beef dish?
Sascha: I followed a recipe!
Sascha: It took me five hours to make this, Devon. You’re going to try it
Devon: What do I get if I do?
Sascha: I refuse to bargain with you
Sascha: This isn’t a negotiation
Devon: I think it should be
Andrei: What did you want to negotiate over?
Devon: Her Christmas gift
Sascha: Oh.
Devon: You said we’d talk about it later
Sascha: And this is later?
Devon: Yes
Devon: Well, it’s actually the 31st. So it’s a lot later. I keep waiting for you to bring it up, Sascha, but you never do
Sascha: The children have been home!
Sascha: I also didn’t expect you to give me a strap-on for Christmas, Devon!
Andrei: I don’t know, I thought it was a fabulous gift. Jack saw it too. I thought he was going to have a heart attack
Sascha: And you wanted that, did you? Our baby boy? Croaking years early because he thinks his mother is going to fuck one of his fathers?
Devon: Hey! Not one of. Me. I bought it for you!
Sascha: Devon, you know what I mean
Devon: No, I didn’t actually.
Sascha: You’re being purposely pedantic
Sawyer: Isn’t he always?
Sean: You might not want dinner, Devon, but I do. So, can we get on with this conversation?
Sean: Sascha, are you against using a strap-on on Devon?
Sawyer: You could use it on me too if yer want. They say anal orgasms are the best
Kurt: Says the man who doesn’t like anyone’s junk near his
Sean: Indeed. You make no sense, Sawyer
Sawyer: Who said I had ter?
Devon: You can get one of your own for her! I’m not sharing
Sascha: I can’t believe we’re actually talking about this
Kurt: Liebchen, what’s wrong? You know you can talk about anything with us
Andrei: You just want to watch lol
Kurt: I wouldn’t say no haha
Sean: Sweetheart?
*two minutes later*
Sascha: If you eat your dinner, Devon, every bite, I’ll do it tonight
Devon: Can I have the non-fish version?
Sascha: What are you? Five?! No, you can’t. How am I supposed to take the fish out when I put it in five hours ago?
Sascha: Anyway, the negotiation is over. You eat. I fuck you. How about that?
Sean: Are you sure you want to, love? You really had to think about it
Sascha: It’s dumb
Sean: What is?
Andrei: Nothing is ever dumb where you’re concerned, milaya
Sascha: I’m not sure I’ll look good wearing it and I’m embarrassed
Devon: You’ll look like a goddess
Devon: With a dick
Sascha: *snorts*
Devon: I specifically got those straps and the color so it would suit you
Sascha: I never thought you’d be into this, Devon.
Devon: Try anything once, Sascha.
Sascha: SO TRY THE DAMN FISH RAGU
Devon: I’m negotiating, Sascha!
Sawyer: Why now?
Devon: Why not now?
Devon: Also, Rosie was on the family computer and left up a web page
Sawyer: Things I didn’t need to ken about my wee girlie
Sean: I didn’t need to know that either
Kurt: Grow up
Sascha: Exactly!
Devon: Hey! Why did he get a kiss and not me? I didn’t judge! In fact, I gave her a gift card to that site for Christmas!
Sascha: Fine
Devon: That’s better.
Devon: I got two so there, Kurt.
Sascha: It’s like herding cats!
Sawyer: What’s this web page, then? Apparently I need to buy my own. I dinnae mind sharing, Devon
Devon: I’ll send you the link
Devon: Because I do
Sawyer: Can’t you just put it in the dishwasher?
Devon: No. You can’t. Your anal juice and my anal juice will never cross paths
Sawyer: And you claim to be an eco warrior
Devon: Some things are just sacred
Devon: But you have to get Sascha one that suits her.
Sawyer: Of course. What dae yer take me fer?
Devon: I did buy you something else, Sascha. If you’re uncomfortable with it.
Sawyer: How many gifts did you get her?!
Devon: Well, one. The strap on was for me mostly lol
Sascha: Oh, Devon! It’s beautiful. I love it so much!
Sawyer: Aye, gotta admit, lad, that’s pretty as hell
Sean: I can’t wait to see you in it, darling
Andrei: Me too, milaya
Kurt: You’ll look like an angel in that lingerie, Liebchen
Devon: No! She won’t. She’ll look like my goddess!
Sawyer: Aawwwww, she’s all flustered now
Sascha: Enough talk of strap ons, goddesses, and anal juice. It’s time for dinner! Put your phones down before I put THEM in the dishwasher
Sean: That worked out well for you, didn’t it, Devon?
Devon: 😇
